Nostalgia

Home for the holidays early this year, taking advantage of the freedom and flexibility that a professorial job offers. Hey, seeing as it looks like this will be the last holiday season/winter break that I spend in academics, I might as well live it up.

Living it up today consisted of cleaning out my grandfather's car. When my grandfather passed away last August, I was home to help Mom with a lot of nuts and bolts of dealing with the estate. Since the car was considered an asset, it couldn't be sold until the will was probated and the estate was settled, which just happened about a month ago. So, back in August I drove the car down from the assisted living facility where my grandfather had lived and put it into my Mom's garage.

In his declining health and with his poor eyesight, Pop-pop didn't do such a good job keeping the interior of his car that clean. There were a lot of crumbs, water bottles, garbage, wrappers, old paperwork, tools, and a fine layer of grime over everything. Mom just hasn't had the willpower, physically or emotionally, to go deal with it sitting there in the garage, but it needed to be cleaned up so that it can now be sold.

Well, I guess I should have asked about it a little more often, because I don't think Mom has even started it in six months, so I'm pretty sure that every fluid in the car settled into a viscous pool of goo at the bottom of whatever holding tank it was in. The battery appeared to be fine, though, as all the dashboard lights came on, but the car literally sounded like someone had taken a box full of metal parts, dumped them where the engine should be, and then started mixing them vigorously. FYI, this is a 1996 Chevrolet Caprice Classic. Like the state troopers used to drive.

Anyway, after about 10 minutes of coaxing, and giving it a little gas, the engine finally turned over and sputtered to life. It was touch and go there for a little while, and there was virtually no oil pressure when it first got going, but everything did even out and settle into a reasonably smooth idle after about 20 minutes. I let it run for over an hour while I set to work on cleaning the interior with spray cleaner, windex, and the vacuum. Pop-pop had apparently spilled some soda at some point, because there was a lot of brown sticky goo over a lot of the dashboard. I found papers from years ago, old prescriptions, a doctor's appointment card for mid-September 2005 (he passed away August 12th), old tapes, glasses, and, most poignantly, a shopping list in his handwriting. I can see why Mom was not anxious to jump in and do this.

The one thing that wouldn't go away, however, was the 'Check Engine' light. My guess is that it probably has something to do with the emissions system and having sat unused so long, because operationally, everything seemed fine. The registration and inspection have both expired, so I didn't want to take it out on the road, but after I got it cleaned up, I popped in one of Pop-pop's Dean Martin tapes and drove the old boat around the block a couple of times, and everything seemed fine. It's back in the garage now, but I will probably see if Mom wants me to take it to the dealer and get it inspected and the 'Check Engine' light figured out, so she can finally sell it and reclaim half of her garage, which is where the patio furniture usually goes.

It is strange having him gone. This is the first time that it's really hit me, since it is the first time that I've been home again since his funeral. I would always go and see him and have lunch with him when I came home to visit, which is now obviously missing. Somehow I think it's easier to lose one's grandparents at an earlier age. The younger you are, the less you understand or comprehend death and dying. I lost my grandmother at 16, my great aunt at 22, and now my grandfather at 29, and I've felt each loss more acutely, which I attribute to having a progressively more adult relationship with each of them in turn. I realize, only too late, how little I really knew about them as people, outside their roles as my family members. It really serves as a reminder to me that life is fleeting, we only go around once, and so appreciate the time you have with people and don't forget to live and enjoy life.

Perhaps the last blog before the holidays. If so, may everyone have a warm and safe holiday spent in the presence of family and friends.

ENFJ

That is apparently my personality type, according to Myers-Briggs. For those not in the know, that is Extroverted-Intuitive-Feeling-Judging. I find this interesting, since according to my career counselor this is atypical for both college professors as well as engineers. Most college professors tend to be I, or introverted. This is often attributed to the fact that while academia can be and often is collaborative and collegial, the motivation for research or scholarship tends to come from within. Many engineers also tend to be more S (sensing) rather than N (intuitive) and more T (Thinking) rather than F (Feeling).

So this gives me insight as to why I might not be the happiest person in my job, since I am both an engineer and a college professor.

The other possibility is that the test is just wrong, or I answered it with bias towards a particular view.

However, from the ENFJ personality description:

"For ENFJs, relationships are everything. Because it is so important for them that other people like them, they are outgoing, friendly, and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. They tend to be rather idealistic and use their personal values to rule their lives. They are caring, warm, and enthusiastic people, with great energy for projects or causes that they believe in."

"Because it is so important to ENFJs that they are liked, they often talk around issues or are less than direct and honest in an attempt to avoid conflict. Hence, they sometimes sacrifice their own needs and make choices that are not in their best interests in order to please others. They may choose not to see the facts that contradict their idealistic view of other people and end up disappointed or hurt."

"ENJFs are so eager to have things decided and projects finished, they sometimes rush through the information collecting stage and make hasty or flawed decisions. Wanting to always appear capable, organized, and in control, they may hesitate from asking for help or admitting they need to start over."

While it isn't perfect, I definitely see a lot of this in myself. ENFJ's are future-oriented, and have difficulty living in and enjoying the present. I know that this is definitely true for me - I am often saying to myself "If I can only get to X holiday, or Y break, I will be OK." Then of course, these dates come and go, and I am left looking forward to something else, but never really happy.

It was an interesting two-hour session with the counselor this afternoon, and I feel like I am learning something about myself. The only problem is that I *am* eager to have things decided and projects finished. I like to feel like I am making consistent progress, that I am working towards something, rather than simply existing, which is how I've felt for the last year or so. The problem here is that the path of self-discovery is rarely linear. I know instinctively that five years from now my life will be OK (it better be!) - I can take the coarse-grained view and know that writ large, everything will work out as it is supposed to. What I am decidedly having trouble with these days is the fine-grained view - the trees rather than the forest. I've forgotten how to live life on a day-to-day basis, which really, is all we have when it comes down to it.

I feel that slowly but surely I am waking up from some deep sleep, that I am rediscovering who I really am. The scary part is that I don't know how or why I forgot who I was (or thought I was) in the first place. I have been pounding this round peg into this square hole for years now, and somehow am just coming to realize that it just doesn't work.

It's liberating and terrifying at the same time.

Glass Lab

The MIT Glass Lab holds a number of events throughout the year, including the Great Glass Pumpkin Patch. I have gone a few times in recent years, because some of the creations are quite unique and quite beautiful, as you can see in the photo to the left (photo courtesy of the Glass Lab). The pumpkins make great gifts, and they also make great holiday decorations during the autumn. I picked up two pumpkins at this year's sale for the house. Very unfortunately, the success of these sales seems to have gone to their heads. When I first went a few years ago, it was a relatively small affair, and a nice size pumpkin (about 4-6 inches in diameter) could be had for $35-$50. This year my sister and I went, and it was an absolute mob scene, as the event has become well publicized around Boston and Cambridge. Additionally, the pumpkins themselves have skyrocketed in price, with many of the the same 4-6 inch pumpkins selling for well over $100 a piece. I literally watched people horde and fight over these things, as well as spend thousands of dollars. It is somewhat unfortunate.

They also have a few other sales during the year - The holiday one is going on right now (today and Tuesday 12/13/2005, 10 AM -5 PM, Lobby 10), and there is typically another one around Mother's Day. The holiday one is always a good place to pick up some Christmas presents, but it is also falling prey to the inflated prices that the Pumpkin Patch has seen in the last few years. In any case, I picked up what I consider to be a rather beautiful vase that I intend as Christmas present for my Mom at a reasonable $60, seeing as many comparable items were $200 or more. If you're in the area tomorrow, I recommend dropping in and checking it out. They have some really beautiful hand-blown ornaments for sale, all around $20.