When it all comes apart...

What do you do when you feel like you don't know how to live your life anymore?

What do you do when you think that you have made consistently bad decisions for as far back as you can now remember?

What do you do when you feel like you've spent 10 years educating yourself in a field you have no interest in?

What do you do when you feel like you have let everyone around you down?

What do you do when you love two people for completely different reasons in very different ways?

What do you do when people think that what you feel is an aberration or not 'real', and can be fixed by repeatedly explaining why you are wrong?

What do you do when you can't stop feeling these things?

What do you do?

Because I really have no idea.

I don't know how I have arrived here, and I don't really know the way out.

I didn't set out to hurt or cause pain to anyone, even though I know that I have. I have no excuses, no defenses, no explanations. Sometimes things just happen, and we can't fully explain why they do. Sometimes they happen so gradually and slowly over time that you never consciously have the thought that they could be stopped, even if you had wanted to.

Sometimes things just are.

Action...

Things are coming to a head at work - focusing, in a sense. It is becoming increasingly clear that the department that I am in is a sinking ship, and that the time to move is fast approaching. My goal is to find another job before I would have to re-sign my contract next April/May.

Thus, I have started to take some proactive steps to make that happen. At the recent conference in Worst Conference City in the World, I spent quite a bit of time discussing my professional career with my former advisor. We were talking about the department that I graduated from at Huge Research University, and how they have basically doubled the undergraduate enrollment in the last 5 years, and are desperately strapped for people to teach classes. Add to this that their undergraduate education coordinator, a wonderful man who really cared about undergraduate education (a rarity at HRU), recently passed away. My advisor actively encouraged me to talk to the department head at HRU and see if I could come back to HRU full time as the new undergraduate education coordinator. While this wouldn't be tenure-track, I would get to do two of the things that I like most about my current job - teaching undergraduates and academic policy and administration. Plus, I would be back at HRU, which was one of the most stimulating academic environments I have ever been in. So, definitely something to consider, and I intend to contact the department head no later than this week.

My advisor (who really has been an incredible mentor) also passed along an email from a colleague at Giant Semiconductor Company, and they are looking to hire someone with experience pretty much in what I did my thesis work on, so I have a lot of the requisite skills. I sent them my CV, and got a response today, saying they would pass it on to the right people. So we'll see about that. (Though taking that job would require moving out of New England).

Lastly, I made an appointment with a Career Counselor. I figure that I need some help figuring out what I really want to do, professionally. I don't want to just jump out of one job and into another that I also end up not liking. This may end up being a complete waste of time and money, but if it has any benefits at all, I will consider it money well spent. I guess my problem is that I was so focused on being a college professor since about mid-college that I never really considered any other career options. I went right from undergrad to grad school to professor-hood. I haven't been off a college campus in 11 years, and I have no idea how to go about doing a real job search for someone with my background.

So, we'll see what happens. I just hope that I don't take all of these tests and they come back and tell me "You are ideally suited for a career in higher education or academia". That would be funny, in a very cruel sort of way...

"Beautiful World"

Beautiful World
(Lyrics & Music: Colin Hay)

My, my, my it’s a beautiful world
I like swimming in the sea
I like to go out beyond the white breakers
Where a man can still be free (or a woman if you are one)
I like swimming in the sea.

My, my, my it’s a beautiful world
I like drinking Irish tea
With a little bit of lapsang souchong
I like making my own tea.

My my my it’s a beautiful world
I like driving in my car
Roll the top down sometimes I travel quite far
Drive to the ocean stare up at the stars
I like driving in my car

All around is anger, automatic guns
It’s death in large numbers no respect for women or our little ones
I tried talking to Jesus but He just put me on hold
Said He’d been swamped by calls this week
And He couldn’t shake His cold

And still this emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets
When you’ve given up the drink and those nasty cigarettes
Now I leave the party early at least with no regrets
I watch the sun as it comes up I watch it as it sets
Yeah this is as good as it gets.

My, my, my it’s a beautiful world
I like sleeping with Marie
She is one sexy girl full of mystery
She says she doesn’t love me but she likes my company
For now that’s good enough for me

My, my, my it’s a beautiful world
I like swimming in the sea
I like to go out beyond the white breakers
Where a man can still be free (or a woman if you are one)
I like swimming in the sea.

Listen to it here (from iTunes)

"Have It All"

I heard a song this weekend that literally changed my life. Ever have one of those songs that just speaks to your soul, and that you listen to on repeat for hours? That was this song. A very dear friend gave me a copy of a CD, and this track is near the end. It's called "Have it All", by Jeremy Kay.

Some days I feel like crying
It don't matter if it's rain or shine
I feel like my heart was broken
At least a million times

Some days I wake up dreaming
Feels like I've never even woke
I answer life's big questions
As if it's one big joke

Maybe it's too soon to be sure
But I really do believe that someday
We're gonna have it all
So I try so hard to keep the rhythm of a train
Rolling right along
When the ride gets rough you got to carry on
Carry on...

Some days I feel like singing
I sit back and just groove the day away
Maybe pick up a guitar
And play what I want to play

Maybe it's too soon to be sure
But I really do believe that someday
We're gonna have it all
So I try so hard to keep the rhythm of a train
Rolling right along
When the ride gets rough you got to carry on
Carry on...

Today I feel like laughing
Seems to be no reason at all
And if the world stops spinning
I'm not afraid to fall

Maybe it's too soon to be sure
But I really do believe that someday
We're gonna have it all
So I try so hard to keep the rhythm of a train
Rolling right along
When the ride gets rough you got to carry on

Maybe it's too soon to be sure
But I really do believe that someday
We're gonna have it all
So I try so hard to keep the rhythm of a train
Rolling right along
When the ride gets rough you got to carry on
Carry on...

The lyrics here really don't do it justice - there is something about the mournful yet hopeful tone in Kay's voice that just strikes a chord in me. I'd provide a link to the iTunes music store, but they don't have this particular track. If anyone is interested, this track, along with a bunch of other kick-ass tunes, is available on the Scrubs soundtrack.