When it all comes apart...
What do you do when you feel like you don't know how to live your life anymore?
What do you do when you think that you have made consistently bad decisions for as far back as you can now remember?
What do you do when you feel like you've spent 10 years educating yourself in a field you have no interest in?
What do you do when you feel like you have let everyone around you down?
What do you do when you love two people for completely different reasons in very different ways?
What do you do when people think that what you feel is an aberration or not 'real', and can be fixed by repeatedly explaining why you are wrong?
What do you do when you can't stop feeling these things?
What do you do?
Because I really have no idea.
I don't know how I have arrived here, and I don't really know the way out.
I didn't set out to hurt or cause pain to anyone, even though I know that I have. I have no excuses, no defenses, no explanations. Sometimes things just happen, and we can't fully explain why they do. Sometimes they happen so gradually and slowly over time that you never consciously have the thought that they could be stopped, even if you had wanted to.
Sometimes things just are.
What do you do when you think that you have made consistently bad decisions for as far back as you can now remember?
What do you do when you feel like you've spent 10 years educating yourself in a field you have no interest in?
What do you do when you feel like you have let everyone around you down?
What do you do when you love two people for completely different reasons in very different ways?
What do you do when people think that what you feel is an aberration or not 'real', and can be fixed by repeatedly explaining why you are wrong?
What do you do when you can't stop feeling these things?
What do you do?
Because I really have no idea.
I don't know how I have arrived here, and I don't really know the way out.
I didn't set out to hurt or cause pain to anyone, even though I know that I have. I have no excuses, no defenses, no explanations. Sometimes things just happen, and we can't fully explain why they do. Sometimes they happen so gradually and slowly over time that you never consciously have the thought that they could be stopped, even if you had wanted to.
Sometimes things just are.
posted by Professor B at 9:30 PM
2 Comments:
/comfort
Life's a bunch of little decisions that sometimes seem irrelevent, and then come back to kick us in the rear.
Maybe it's time to step back and find a counselor to talk to about your decision making and happiness?
It sounds like you're really depressed, but from outside, it looks like you must have done something right to have earned a PhD, gotten a job, and have a gooe enough relationship with your advisor that s/he's willing to help you still.
For most academics, this is a horrible time of the year (heading into holidays tends to be stressful) and semester (finals, grading, students failing, job pressures, etc). So it's a bad time to make life decisions if you don't have to. Step back, get good sleep, eat well, and muddle through til you see more clearly, I guess.
Good luck!
I demand you write to me and ask me 10 questions you want answering as you are far too lazy to find the answers yourself. I've decided to take time out of my busy day and help. If you do not write I shall consider you rude and not in need of any answers which means you'll have to take this blog down. Stop watching so much Scrubs and write to me. You have time to fill in an online diary you have time to ask those questions. You are my good deed of the day. Now get typing old man. tom98765432@hotmail.co.uk and make sure the questions are worth answering.
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